i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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