i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
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