if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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