you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
