Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
