mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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