my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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