If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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