Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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