I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
