Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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