I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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