From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
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