You work out of a Hotel?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
