I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
