I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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