All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
