So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
