if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
