peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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