I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
