Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
nutella sex= disaster
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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