Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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