You can't motorboat a personality
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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