There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
