I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
