I think I died a long time ago.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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