Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
