I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
