yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
