i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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