i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
