It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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