Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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