They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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