Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The power of my boobs compel you
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
