she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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