just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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