i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
