so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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