My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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