I just cut my nipple shaving
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
