If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
