If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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