Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
