you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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