There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
