peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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