There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
