Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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