Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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