but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
